And that is the truth!
I was born, I grew up, and to this day- I don’t have a relationship with my Mother. Do I wish for one? Ehhh, some days- but that’s why I had my dad. And sometimes, I think she was just jealous, which is why she decided to have my sister, so she also had one for herself. My father used to tell me that my mother loved me- and I’m sure to some extent she does- I mean, she birthed me. But she has always had a shitty way of showing it.
As I understand, I wasn’t the easiest of children/teenagers- I had my issues and wasn’t the best example for my sister to be around. I lived this life where I just wanted to care for myself. I don't know where the turn of events happened and the exact event that triggered it in my brain, but it happened- we always fought as I got older and older.
Maybe it was all the times that she seemed to put my father against me- perhaps it was the feeling that no matter what I did, how well I did in life, or how I treated her, I would never make her happy.
In a sense, I gave up. I gave up that we would never have that normal mother-daughter relationship, where we would butt heads, but in the end, I still trusted her enough to call her when it felt that my life was falling apart. I called him. I called him, which made them fight more. I called him, which made her hate me more. I called him, which made her cling to my sister more and fill her head with her perspective of me.
I had two daughters with a man who probably wasn't ready to be a dad, and it probably was the wrong choice for me to have children. Again- another time, another blog- let's stay focused on this one. I then became the step-mother to two wonderful girls, who had a father who treats me amazing, and most importantly our girls
I'm raising my daughters differently. I didn't want them to hate me when they were older. I wanted them to trust me no matter the situation. I didn't want to be at their adoptive father's funeral screaming at them that their speech was enough while they were crying and trying to let his friends and colleagues know how much he would be missed.
I'm raising my daughter to be a strong, independent woman. Who needs no MAN! Who will want a man because they complement each other. LOL. Seriously, I want them to see a healthy relationship and how to solve problems in their lives with the support of their mother, not just one parent but both parents.
I will not argue with them over college or make them feel less of a human. I will treat them fairly, and even if there is ever a favorite, I won't make it so apparent that they end up hating each other. I won't make underhanded comments about my children in front of them to make them feel like no matter what they do, no matter how much they accomplish, to feel like I wish they'd stopped calling, stop trying, or stop living.
I know this may not be the thoughts of my mothers, but at times, it truly felt like it was. And I don't ever want my girls, for one moment of their life, to feel like I have felt on what's coming up to be my 38th Birthday. I am proud to say that I am raising my children very differently than my mother raised and continues to raise me.
I'm sure I will get a phone call. I'm sure this will put a giant wedge between us if she ever actually reads this. Regardless of the meaning behind this blog, she will twist it like she always does. She seems not to understand why I am upset, but honestly, it's because she doesn't listen- And that is what I will forever do for my girls. I will listen- Would just like for my mother to be the mother that my sister and I need now that our father is gone- and the grandmother that her granddaughters need now that their Lolo is gone.
I don't expect much- but I expected more than this.