Life and what it means to me- and who had to be taken away for me to change

Where do I even start-

Bear with me, as my grammar sucks. You would sometimes think that English wasn’t my first language, but it is.

Is it to walk through on a straight path, never looking up or down?

Is it where you make mistakes and live for the day with no regrets

My father passed away 8ish months ago; it was the most devastating day of my life. I have never felt so much pain before. IT‘s STILL SUREAL- if that makes sense. Living in a world where he no longer exists. Where I am unable to call him, text him, hug him, or anything.

The night before he passed, my mother and I fought once again. I was over her, over her nagging and underhanded comments that she always made towards me no matter how well i was doing in my life ( another story for another day)

My dad passed away on December 24th, 2022—a man who had my back, NO MATTER what. He's gone. Gone but not forgotten- to some, it's like he only existed for them, and it's become very apparent as the months pass. Life to my dad was to live it to the fullest- buy the watch- buy the painting and work your ass off. It wasn’t being worried and wondering if people liked him. He had that no fucks given attitude that I wish I could replicate.

I had a dream three years ago that put a lot in perspective. I dreamt my dad passed, and he wasn't proud of me. Waking up from that dream, I called my father, cried, and told him that he couldn't die without being proud of me. Being my dramatic self, no one except for me took any second thoughts about my dream, my near fear.

From that day forward, I started down a path to ensure that my father would be proud of the mother-woman I was. I am—the fear out a fire under me. I not only wanted to make sure that my kids and my new husband were proud of me, but the fear threw me into a spiral that I couldn't think any longer that my dad was old and might die without knowing that my girls and I were taken care of.

I went back to school and busted my ass to make sure that my no matter when it happened because, at some point, he would go knowing his hard-ass mentality and long fights were worth it because I became something in my life.

Years went by. The First year, MadChar Media became a thing; the second year, MadChar Staffing was next. During the third year, My sister and I got closer and pushed our parents to talk about things they didn't want to think about- like wills- what would happen in the event of their death.

September 2023, my dad sent a picture to the group chat asking if one of us (my sister or I) knew where he was- And of course, he was at none other than the Art Museum we used to frequent as kids and even adults. He took my kids and continued the weekend traditions he did with me when I was young, and even as an adult, he would take me there. I guessed the right answer and asked if he was proud, and he said YES- that he was proud of us both.

I saw my dad for my birthday that year- I got pictures with him and his granddaughters for the last time. Hugged my dad for the last time in September of 2023.

I called on December 24th, like I did every year, to ask him for the Prime Rib recipe. And he didn't answer. As I waited for him to text or call me back like he always would, my sister and I talked about tattoos and getting one for the family! Then the retched call came- but not from my mother, their neighbor's daughter giving me her condolence on my dad passing- Worst day in my life.

From that day forward, I told myself I would live for him- through him- like him. Live the life that he envisioned for me. Get my shit together more than I was, continue to be that mom to his granddaughters- the woman that made him smile when he spoke about me to his friends, be the woman he was proud of.

I would continue to work my ass off and make him proud- get MCM/Staffing back up and running. Continue to be successful in my career and support my husband like he would have wanted to be supported.

I will live my life like he did- one day at a time, worry-free, NO FUCKS GIVEN- Buy the watch, buy the painting, have that glass of wine! Live with love in my heart and forgive! I will not waste this life that he and God have given me! If it wasn't for my father, I do not think I would be where I am today- he pushed and fought me, but he loved me unconditionally, and I know that now and will hold him close every day! I know he still has my back.